Change

I’ve now been here for about 2.5 months. Very soon after I arrived I met my friend A. (whom I’ve discussed previously). At the beginning, there was a lot of energy between us and I wondered if things would move beyond friendship but it never went down that path. It’s funny because since then he’s said numerous times (and I’ve thought it) that if we met in the States, we would have never become friends. But we were both away from what we knew as home, trying to find our way down here in Puerto Vallarta. We struggled through the hot season. We went to the beach together. We talked nearly every day. I would go over to his apartment and use his pool and washer/dryer when he used to live up the hill from me. A. has really been my best friend since I’ve been here.

But tomorrow A. is going home to California. He came down here at the request of B. to work in his new restaurant as an apprentice chef. A. is totally personable and wins many people over. But he also struggles with ups and downs in moods and energy and is hesitant to get treated for it. He tends to self-medicate with alcohol and other substances but this has taken its toll. He’s in an up mood now which is good; I hope he can maintain it for awhile to carry him through the transition of going back. I’ve grown to recognize that during this time, he talks very expansively about future plans – everything he’s going to do when he comes back.

But I wonder if he will come back. It’s not easy to move down here and before he had an apartment and a job situation all set up for him. I’m thankful that I will be leaving in less than a week because it’s going to be a little tough for me to be here without A. He’s become my touchstone down, here and I’ve come to depend on him for a bit of security. It’s funny how such a thing can happen in such a short period of time. But I think these relationships can form when you’re away from all you know and you naturally want some sort of anchor in the sea of the unknown.

In a way, it’s probably a good thing to have this separation. As I’ve learned, when one door closes, another opens. I know I will meet new people and form a different structure in my life down here. And I will also have the break of going back to the City to get some distance from my life down here and see it from a different perspective.

One thing Mexico teaches you is that life is constantly changing and unpredictable. As Ben said “The only thing consistent here is the inconsistency.” It can be frustrating and it can also be scary. I think of the murdered woman and I think of another man who was on his way back to the US the next day when he fell down and hit his head and died.

It’s probably also because we come down here with so little that whatever we have or acquire becomes important. But we also know that it can go away at any time. But that is life. In the States, we have so many things and are so busy that we don’t see these things as clearly. I think people spend a lot of time shopping for and amassing things and rushing around because it takes away these scary feelings. I’m not saying that no one in the States is aware and you have to come to Mexico to see these things. It’s just that it’s hard to not have this awareness of life down here.

I’m curious to see how I will feel going back to the City. I feel like I could feel one of two ways: either like I am standing still or moving in slow motion as everyone and everything rushes by me at full speed, or I will jump back into my old self and move with it all like I’ve never been away at all. Let’s see.