Falling Out

It's been nearly a month now since my neighbor had a falling out with me. It was after my trip to the #2 City. I had asked her to take care of the cats, and she enthusiastically agreed and said "Yes, sure! Go, go!" But I had left a note printed from the computer with a couple instructions on cat care. When I returned, she had handwritten that she would no longer be able to care for the cats and that I should give her back the keys to her apartment and alarm to her truck. Wow, I thought something serious must have happened.

When I went to talk to her and ask what had happened, she told me she was so angry she couldn't speak to me. That she felt it was a matter of "cultural differences". I later sent her an email, apologizing for offending her in any way, and telling her I respected her desire not to speak for awhile, but that I'd like to try to talk things through when she was ready.

That was a month ago and we still haven't spoken. She has to walk by my apartment to get to hers, so we inevitably see each other. She says hello, but gives me a look and says it in a tone like "I'm still mad at you". At this point I feel that even if she wanted to talk, I don't anymore. I guess I've had one too many falling outs.

Yes, it's not my first falling out. The first time it happened, I was in 7th grade. My best friend was Anne-Dee Leveen (misspelled on purpose). We were inseparable, both having a difficult time growing up, and felt it was us against the world. I was out sick from school for a couple of days and when I got back, I found Anne-Dee wasn't speaking to me. She said she felt we shouldn't be friends anymore. It's hard to convey how devastating that experience was to me. I was so depressed and alienated from everyone at the time (especially my family) and had not long before lost my childhood cat. At the time I felt Anne-Dee was the only one I had in the world, the only one who understood me and what I felt. So when she dropped me like that, I was crushed.

It happened again when I was in my mid-20s, and it was almost as bewildering. But then I saw it happen to a couple of good friends of mine too. Before that, I could have almost easily blamed it on my strong personality. But after I've seen the same thing happen to others, I've really come to believe and feel that it's really more about the other person and what they're going through. I feel this with my neighbor. I think she has feelings that she's not comfortable expressing with other people in her life and for whatever reason, she's chosen me as a sort of scapegoat.

It's sad of course. Not too long after I met her she said that it's common to move to V@llarta and make friends fairly easily, but the friendships don't often last past the first year. I'm starting to feel that way. After being here for 9 months, I have some acquaintances (and even those have waned as some have moved back to where they came from), but no deep friendships. Part of this is due to my work situation where I'm not in a fixed environment with co-workers who could be potential friends. I'm also not a member of any athletic groups or anything so my opportunities to meet people are few. And since I've been dating M., I rarely go out to bars or even restaurants which once again cuts down on opportunity.

Fortunately I have a happy little home life with M. and the cats. I know it's not good to rely on just one person like that. Eventually it has to change. And I know when it's time it will.