Connection

Connection. It's a theme that comes up a lot in my life recently. Wanting to feel connected, not feeling connected. But today was a day full of connection for me and I will finish the day and go to sleep happy.

I've recently reconnected with a high school boyfriend. On F@cebook of course. I like to refer to F@cebook as the St0p and Sh0p of cyberspace because in my small hometown, if you go shopping at St0p and Sh0p, you're bound to run into someone you know, maybe someone you haven't seen in ages. When I saw C's photo come up on F@cebook, my heart skipped a beat. It surprised me because as he noted today, we dated about 26 or so years ago, but seeing him and reconnecting with him has brought back a flood of memories and feelings and in some ways it feels like yesterday. We've been emailing and today we talked for the first time in very many years. I felt really happy talking to him. I feel a deep emotional connection and I feel very supported by him and feel he values me for the person I am. Lately I've been feeling a little judged and undervalued by friends here in Va11arta, so I welcomed this different feeling.

I also talked with a college boyfriend who coincidentally will be visiting Va11arta with his extended family (wife, 9 month old son, parents, sister and her family, and uncles) this week. It's funny because A and I only dated for 9 months and that was 19 years ago. Our relationship involved a lot of arguments because we're both strong-minded people. But to this day, I have a lot of love for him and just the mention of his name or thought of him makes me smile. I'm really happy that he's found someone, a really sweet woman, to share his life with and now has a son too. I'm sure I will feel a little wistful seeing him and being around the family and thinking that maybe it could have been me if things had been different. But more than anything, I'm happy he's happy.

I got an email today from my favorite cousin. Ok, I feel a little guilty calling her my favorite cousin because I don't want to slight the feelings I have for my other cousins. D and I actually saw each other very little when growing up because her dad was in the military and they lived in different places, always far away from where I grew up. But we always felt a close connection. For many, many years after my father died, I was out of touch with his side of the family and that meant no contact with D. But in 2000 we connected again and it was really like no time had passed; the connection was still there. Since then we've seen each other again a couple of times (she's even visited here in Va11arta) and have kept in touch via email. I'm always happy to hear from her and hear about her family who I adore.

This afternoon, I taught the second part of the photography workshop with the kids. Only 3 showed up, but this time I felt like we bonded a bit more. Last time there were a lot of other people there to sort of help me, but this time I felt like it was more of my gig and I felt more relaxed and started off just chitchatting a bit with 2 of the kids and talking about animals and showing them photos of my cats and other animals. It was funny to discover that the whole critiquing went better than it has gone in many of my classes I've taken with adults. Sometimes people don't want to say much for fear of offending people and egos can really get in the way. But the kids were more open both to expressing positive thoughts about their own work and also to accepting criticism and giving it. I found myself really enjoying discussing what makes a good photo and how to approach people when you photograph and how photos can make you feel a certain way, etc. And it does make it that much sweeter that it's all in Spanish and they understand me and I understand them; it's so exciting!

Tonight I talked for hours (as usual, our conversations are never short) with my high school buddy J. It's always great to talk to her; I really wished we lived closer and could hang out more. I just always feel she has so much insight into life and I really admire her for living an unconventional life, struggling through some really tough times, and still maintaining such a positive attitude and great outlook on life. And like the others today, I especially value our relationship because it's existed for so many years.

I guess on reflection, I'm a little sad to say that most of the connections I had were with people who don't live where I do and that I still struggle with feeling connected to people here. But the workshop gave me some hope and made me feel a little more empowered like I used to feel. I know this time in my life, in some ways it feels I'm stuck in a rut and nothing is happening, but that it's all preparation for things in the future. I don't know what, but I know it's all part of my path and I can't wait to see what life brings.