Wrong Place?

Finally made some progress on the new "professional" blog tonight. I had hoped to get it launched 2 weeks ago but then malaise, gastritis, and unbearable temperatures set in. Sometimes I wonder how I get anything done here. And am amazed to think how much I used to get done before I moved here.

So I'm back to thinking this is not the place for me. I just find myself so angry and annoyed with most people I have met and know (especially but not exclusively my fellow foreigners). I know it's not productive and only draws more negative energy to me. And I don't want to be simplistic and blame my unhappiness on a place. But my experience has shown that some places are not for me and just plain make me unhappy. Some of it has been circumstance, but I think you either jibe with a place or you don't.

When I am in eNYC, I feel at ease. It's a place I like and a place I respect. I remember when I first came here and saw all the tacky tourist stores and thought, "Can I live in a place like this?" It's not to say there's nothing good about living here; there are many great things. But the overall vibe doesn't seem to sit right with me. And I don't feel like I fit in outside of gay clubs and even that connection is tenuous, especially these days when I'm more focused on being in my relationship. I think back to R0chester and especially my home town and think of the years of struggle (especially in my hometown). I left both places to go to eNYC and once back there, I felt like a puzzle piece finally back in its place.

It's a weird feeling to feel like I can't imagine living back in the States but then also feeling like maybe it's the place where I'd feel happiest and most comfortable. I changed a lot of variables by moving here, so it's hard to pick out which are the important ones. J. and I are talking about moving to Playa del C@rmen in a few months. I like the idea of us starting a new adventure together and I keep thinking that it can't be worse than Va11arta and has the potential to be better (closer/direct flight to eNYC, younger, more European, more spiritual/focus on nature, easier to travel to other countries [Cuba, Belize, Guatemala]. It would also help me determine if the problem is just Va11arta or maybe Mexxico in general.

But for now the focus needs to be finding work.