Waiting for Something to Happen

It feels like I'm waiting for something to happen to me rather than trying to make anything happen in my life right now. I don't know how much of that is influenced by the people around me. PV in general (I won't say Mexxico because I don't know the culture of the whole country) has that feeling. Oh sure, there are business people here who are "moving and shaking", but I have no contact with them. Most people I come into contact with don't appear to be working toward anything, just living their lives. (Well, except M. but I think he's a bit stuck right now too.) It doesn't help that this place attracts retirees and tourists so there's not a lot of forward thinking, creative energy with them. And the culture of Mexxico that I see is very "mañana" and take things as they come and don't get too upset about anything. This is fine, but it's not inspiring to creativity or productivity.

I'm sort of floating in the water, treading a little when I need to, but not going anywhere. Part of this is that constant questioning of "Do I really want to be here? and "Do I really want to do wedding photography?" This questioning puts me in a limbo where I feel like I'm not really living my life to the fullest. It manifests itself in little things like dragging my feet on buying a washing machine or car because "should I really spend the money if I'm not staying?"

And I have to admit I feel a little beaten down and shy living here. Sometimes it's too much to live in this foreign country and feel like a foreigner all the time. I stayed in my friend A's family's timeshare for a couple days at Christmas and I felt like I was on vacation away from Mexxico. I would normally scoff at people who travel to another country and stay at all-inclusive places away from every day life, but it felt good to get away! I'm sick of the noise, the dirt, the food, the pinche pendejo taxi drivers who rip me off every chance they can get...I'm sick of feeling like an outsider. It's tough because I know Mexicans can be shy with Americans and have probably been burned by interactions with them and people aren't going to know I speak Spanish and want to be a part of things so it's up to me at all times to make an extra effort, to put myself out to them, to go the extra mile. But I don't always have the confidence to do that and sometimes I revert to my childhood shyness.

I guess it's perspective too. When I think about yesterday when I went out to Mismaloya and walked around the place where they filmed Night of the Iguana back in the 60s (the place is mostly ruins now, but luckily the caretaker was nice and let M. and I inside the gate to walk around) and saw the wonderful views, afterward had a beer on the beach with the waves nearly coming up to our table and the moon shining brightly, and then went back to where M's studio is and hung out with his neighbor and his big noisy, wonderful family who are visiting for the holidays...what more do I really want? I have a wedding to shoot tonight and another one next week so I'm going to be busy and therefore have some money to take me through the next couple of months.

But it stills feels like I'm just waiting...