Hermanos

I'm fascinated with these boys. Mesmerized really. I met them in the club (of course). J. was up on stage late one evening dancing with such intensity, I couldn't help noticing him. I envied his energy, his dance ability, his comfort with being on stage. And later we bumped into each other (literally) while dancing on the floor and started talking. We hung out for several days, on the beach, in the club, at my apartment... but he's a hustler and is always on the lookout for something bigger.

During the course of that time, I'd see him with A. A. was really standoffish with me at first, like he really did not trust me at all. But as things waned with J, I started talking more with A. They refer to each other as brothers because they've known each other for quite a few years, since living in Mexxico City. They share whatever they have which isn't much. A. has been living on his own since he was 14 or 15; he dropped of school at 13. A mutual friend of theirs told me that J. was actually incarcerated for 5 years which is amazing given the fact that he's no older than early 20s.

When I told A. about my friend A. having just died, he was very matter of fact and said "It was his time." That he doesn't want to get old and plans to kill himself. "How old is old?", I asked. "38." Sort of funny because that's the age I moved down here to change my life and that's the age my dad committed suicide. Of course I told him that I don't feel old and I feel like there's so much life left, but I don't think he was really convinced.

What attracts me to these guys? I guess youth is attractive for many reasons. There is that part of seizing the present and not worrying about the future. And of course the freedom I perceive. They don't have many material possessions, they don't have real jobs, they don't even have homes. The way I am, I couldn't be happy like that, but part of me wishes I could. I feel constrained by my need for stability although I sort of accept it; it's just who I am. But when I see others like J. and A. or M. who reminds me of a butterfly, I sort of live vicariously through their lives.

And of course I'm interested in marginalized people like this who come to Va11arta looking for a better life. It's definitely the darker side of life that I'm acquainted with from time in Bangk0k and eNYC. Guys who will do anything for money.

And then there's their close friendship. I don't have that here and when I see it, I feel envious. But it also makes me happy. I love to just see them dancing together and talking and joking and calling each other "hermano". Sometimes just seeing their friendship makes me feel what they're feeling and it feels good.

This was taken by A. in the club.