The Next Step

How do I even begin to talk about the major decision I think I've made? It's so big that I haven't fully accepted it yet, hence the "I think I've made". I might say it's been over a year in the making and maybe should have happened sooner.

I'm moving back to eNYC.

Maybe just until Fall, but there's a possibility that I will not return to Va11arta. The decision and the details have all been part of a process. Until a couple of days ago, I was holding onto the idea of holding onto my apartment. I was even going to justify the cost of keeping it as the cost of an expensive storage space. More than anything this holding on was holding on to the little stability I have in my life. At least if I have an apartment, I have a place to call home that I can return to. Once that is gone, I have no stability. That's a really hard thing to face.

I thought about subletting. I put an ad on all four online forums I participate in for expats and travelers to discuss Va11arta. But as I might have expected, I haven't gotten a response. We're about to head into low season which is hot and humid and miserable and there's little work to be had. People cling to the jobs they have and others just try to slog through on anything they've managed to save, hoping they'll get by until high season and hoping high season will bring business. The "snowbirds" (Americans and Canadians who live part-time in the US and part-time here) leave and not many people are looking to rent a place.

So I've pretty much given up on subletting and have started trying to emotionally accept giving up my apartment and trying to put whatever I can into boxes to store with various friends who have the space and are willing to let me store stuff with them. My rationale is that if over the summer or into the fall, I end up booking enough jobs down here that it makes it financially worthwhile to come back, I don't want to completely start over and have to buy every little thing again. I can at least hold onto kitchen stuff, a mattress, a washing machine, office furniture, etc. that I won't want to take back to the US, but will be great to have if I want to start up again here. I could try to sell it, but I'll lose most of the value and with low season here, the market to sell to is tiny. I think I'm better off holding on, and if I decide I won't ever be coming back to live, I can either let go and tell people to dispose of the stuff as they wish, or maybe make a trip down and have a sale to get rid of it during high season when I have a better chance of selling it.

I still need to tell my landlord and see if he's willing to negotiate letting me use the security deposit for the last month's rent. I'm not counting on that or even getting the deposit back, but if it happens, it will be nice.

Then there's the logistics of getting all my stuff and 2 cats back to eNYC. I've been contacting people I know here and posting on those forums to try to find someone who's already got a ticket heading back next month. So far no luck there. So I might need to fly down one lucky person (any takers?) to help me out.

I don't have a plan yet for what I will do for work back in the US. I will definitely reconnect with the wedding photographers I know and check out Craig$1ist (and probably place my own ad there too) to see if I can get some work doing that. But I'm also starting to try to accept the possibility of looking for the same sort of job I used to do. Today I woke up thinking that surely there must be one company out there who needs a project manager who's bilingual to implement software at their branch in a Latin American country. That might be the best compromise for going back to a field of work I'm not thrilled with.

I'm trying to get excited. To think of it as a new chapter in life with endless possibilities. I'm trying to keep from getting overwhelmed and depressed and thinking I'm a loser with debt, no job, car, house, partner, or children -- all the benchmarks of conventional success that I don't have. To keep in mind all the challenges I've faced in life and everything I have accomplished even if it's none of those conventional things.

I will say this, even though it's been a roller coaster ride of a life here, I will leave with no regrets and total happiness and satisfaction that I've lived here and done what I've done. Sure I wish I've had more job success and was leaving with a fat bank account and no debt. I'll take some responsibility for that, but also feel the economy and bad publicity this country has gotten haven't helped me. But this experience has been great and will forever change my life and I wouldn't want to trade it for anything.

What's next?