Pace

This is such a strange period in my life. I do feel like I'm in a weird sort of limbo world. Once again, like I'm waiting for something to happen. I feel like I'm slowly learning lessons about life. Slowly because the lessons present themselves over and over again. Eventually, they may sink in. And lately I've been feeling really impatient about the pace. My friend R. very wisely has told me I need to stop focusing on my To Do list and what needs to be done and instead look at what I have done. It's true because the To Do list will never get smaller and that is frustrating. Yesterday I thought I should make an "I Did It" list with everything that comes off the To Do list.

And then today, once again, Daily Om speaks to me about life:

August 29, 2007
Present In The Progression
Letting Life Unfold

Our lives are guided by natural rhythms that are particular to each of us and cannot be altered by force of will alone. Life itself is a journey made up of processes and events that manifest before us only to be swept away when time marches on. Whether we envision ourselves creating a career, building a family, or developing the self, we instinctively know when the time has come for us to realize our dreams because all that is involved comes together harmoniously. When the time is right, the passage of destiny cannot be blocked. Yet as desperate as we are to touch these beautiful futures we have imagined, we cannot grow if we are not fully present in the evolutionary experience. The present can be challenging, uncomfortable, and tedious, but life unfolds as it will, and the universe will wait patiently as we make our way into the unknown.

The fate that awaits us is not dependent on our pace, which was preordained before we ever appeared in human guise. Therefore there is no reason to rush through life to reach those pinnacles of development associated with the paths we have chosen. Enjoying and fully experiencing the journey of life is as important as achieving goals and reaching milestones. There are lessons we can learn during those moments that seem immaterial or insignificant that we cannot learn at any other time. Appreciating these takes patience, however, because human beings tend to focus on the fulfillment of expectations rather than the simple joys of being.

Like many people, you have no doubt longed for a device that would give you the power to fast forward through certain periods of your existence. Yet haste is by its very nature vastly more stressful than serene fortitude. When you feel yourself growing impatient because the pace of your development is deceptively slow, remember that everything that will occur in your life will occur in its own time. Quelling your urge to rush will enable you to witness yourself learning, changing, and becoming stronger. There is so much to see and do in between the events and processes that we deem definitive. If you are patient enough to take pleasure in your existence's unfolding, the journey from one pinnacle to the next will seem to take no time at all.



I know this...intellectually. But I do feel myself wanting to rush through things and get to the next phase. I have a list of equipment to buy and things to do before I go back to Mexxico. And sometimes when I just relax and watch a little TV or surf the net, I feel guilty because I'm not doing more for my business. I get angry with myself for not getting things done quickly enough. Once again, intellectually I know I can't do everything and the important things will get done. But it's hard to surrender to that. It's the fear that if I relax too much, I will slack and nothing will get done. And especially now that I don't have a 9-5, M-F job, it's hard to know what my life should look like. Part of me is really tired. I don't want to work so hard all the time. I just want to relax and get a good night's sleep. But when I look at my eNYC friends who mostly work regular day jobs, I can feel like a slacker when I get up at 11 or watch TV in the afternoon.

I think I'm still adjusting to my new life. It's been 2 years and it seems that after 2 years, I should have it down. But I need to realize I was in the 9-5/M-F world for 15 years and that although it's 2 years since I left, it's only been a little over a year since my business has started to take shape. Career change is not easy when you go from being at the top of your field and making a good salary to being towards the bottom or just in the middle and struggling. Once again, I'm looking to those at the top of my new field and comparing myself to them and what I don't have and what I'm not instead of looking at what I do have and what I've done.

I'm even impatient about learning this lesson...I can't rush life's pace.