This Fragile Thing We Call Life

At the end of October, I photographed a wedding for a couple from Colorado. I posted the link to the slideshow I created for them here. The bride sent me back a really nice email basically saying they were both in tears and loved the show. That was about a month ago.

The bride hadn't "released" the photos yet for people to view, so I sent her a little "nudge" email last night asking her if she needed more time. This morning I opened my email to find this response:

...I have just [been]trying to cope with [Groom's name]'s death.
I still can't believe he would kill himself.
I will try to remember to release the photos -
do I need to add in the addresses of all the folks who I want to see the pictures?
I feel like I can't think straight enough to even do this...my heart is broken.
[Bride's Name]
 

I'm really upset by this. Upset for the bride because they truly seemed so happy together. It was her second marriage and she had a cute little son who seemed to really get along with her new husband. Her dad had died a few years before which was still painful as evidenced by her and her mom crying when her uncle gave a toast mentioning her dad. The groom's family seemed so happy and both made great toasts telling fun stories about their son. The wedding was great and ended up with everyone jumping into the pool in all their clothing. The couple met because they worked together in an emergency room.

I know you can never tell how people are really feeling. And maybe it was all a big front for the big day. But I'd swear that wasn't the case. It's just so damn sad. It makes me think of my friend A. dying so suddenly recently and I have to admit to myself, I've been kind of depressed since then. I think of death more and I have an insecure feeling like anyone can die at any moment. Which of course is true. But I never used to think about it so much. It seems like there's no point in doing anything if it can all slip away so easily. And doesn't exactly encourage getting involved in a relationship (not that that even seems like a remote possibility in my life these days) if it can end so quickly.

I hope I feel better tomorrow. I hope I can bounce back and feel that this is just further evidence that you have to live your life to the fullest every day and enjoy life and your experiences with other people now while you can. To have this influence me in a positive way. But right now all I feel is a deep sense of loss on behalf of the bride for her husband, for A. and his family, for my cat F@tima who I had to put to sleep before I moved here, for my friend T!m in T0r0nt0 who just had to put his cat to sleep the night before last, for my failed relationships, for friends I've lost touch with, and even one of my best friends who is currently angry at me.

It's all just hitting me when I'm down. I've been sick since my birthday last Sunday (I stayed in bed all day I felt so crappy) so physically my not feeling good has influenced my mood. It's also been unusually cold here (ok, I know it's colder where you're reading this from but it's supposed to be that cold. You're not supposed to need a jacket and a heater in coastal Mexxico...ever!) and with less sun too so that's been depressing. I also had a primary hard drive die and I have a problem with burning disks for clients.

Ok, maybe too much negativity but actually as I type all this out, I see there's reason for me to feel unhappy and that's ok. You can't really appreciate happiness unless you experience the flip side (although I feel like I've had more than my fair share of unhappiness in life so that if I only experienced happiness from here on in, it would be ok and I could appreciate it!) so I know that this will pass and there will be good times ahead.

Thanks for reading. You are reading right? Feel free to comment any time so I know you're out there!